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by Eric Christopher
How to Build A Healthy Thriving Relationship
PART ONE: BASIC CHARACTERISTICS OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
· Respect, allow and tolerate the other's opinions, even if you disagree
· Supportive and Understanding
· Accept responsibility
· Always speak and act in a way that allows the other to feel safe and comfortable
· Discuss conflicts, never resort to violence
· Spend quality time together
· Respect the need for alone time
· Respect and allow each other's right to his or her own feelings, opinions, friends, activities and space
· Admit when they are wrong
· Communicate openly, directly and truthfully
· Share responsibility
· Make decisions together
· Listen to each other non-judgementally
· Support each other's goals
· Have fun together
· Try to see the world and problems through the other person's eyes
PART TWO: ADVANCED PRINCIPLES TO FORM A THRIVING RELATIONSHIP
These
principles can be applied to any form of relationship, be it friend,
family or significant other. Forming an outstanding relationship has
everything to do with you. It begins with you, because if you begin to
apply these principles, the other will most likely follow in kind
because it simply brings pleasure. These principles have as much to do
with adopting an understanding and perspective as they do clear-cut
steps to take. When you change your perspective, you change your world.
Don't take my word on this, experiment with it and see for yourself.
Feel free to accept or reject any one of these principles:
1) As
Neile Walsch puts it, "Try to think of your relationship as a container
to pour things into, rather than a cookie tray to grab things from." A
subtle switch happens, and something changes in your mind and body when
you often ask yourself this important question: "What can I give, do or
say that will cause my partner to feel happy?" The reason for this
shift is the Universal Law that says what you put out, comes back to
you like a boomerang; what you give, you receive; the quickest way to
feel joy is to cause another to feel joy. People will always feel happy
when they give with pleasure, whether it is a car, a compliment or a
smile. When both people in relationship have this attitude, the
relationship will thrive.
2)
Communicate openly, honestly, directly and specifically. To the degree
that partners do this, your relationship will grow and thrive. At
times, of course, this will cause conflict to emerge, but understand it
as an issue that would simply fester over time and cause resentment
anyway unless brought to the surface and discussed. This leads into the
next two principles, which outlines a specific way to communicate
through problem issues that brings great results.
3)
Even if you don't agree with the other person and you feel they are
irrational, allow the person to feel as if they have been heard and
understood. If you can simply listen to, and then repeat back the other
person's point of view, even if you don't agree with it, so they feel
as if they've been heard, it will be a magic key that melts away anger,
frustration and conflict, and opens the door to yourself feeling heard
and understood. {Example: "You feel upset because (I didn't call you)
and that makes you feel (neglected, like I don't care about you.")}.
4)
When you have something to say, use this three-step formula: (1) Say
what you feel. No one can argue with how you feel. "I feel scared, sad,
etc."; (may include a specific behavior "when you don't call") (2) Say
what you want to have for the relationship, or what you ideally
envision your relationship to look and feel like "I want us to
communicate clearer and more often, to have a stronger connection with
each other." (3) Make a request."Would you be willing to call once a
day when you have time?" "Would you be willing to tell me what you're
thinking, feeling?" Would you be willing to hear my version of what
happened?" "Would you be willing to hear my perspective of what
happened, if I hear your perspective?"
5)
Understand that there is never one truth or perspective to any event or
situation. There are always two truths, two perspectives, two versions
of every story if two people are involved. There are three perspectives
if three people are involved.
6) Be
clear in your mind about what you or your partner could do more of to
enhance the quality of the relationship. Be assertive, direct, specific
and clear when you declare what s/he could do more of, or less of, to
make the relationship stronger. Hint: It may work much better if you
first ask your partner, "Is there anything I could do more of to make
this relationship better?"
If
something holds you back from easily asking the above question, it may
be because you are carrying underlying resentment or anger toward that
person. Allow this anger or resentment to be heard, understood and
released. At times, deep-seated anger stems from others whom you knew
prior to your partner. If this is the case, find the root of this
anger, then release and heal it. It is not as difficult as most people
think.* Understand that people's anger, fears, jealousies, etc. often
have a deeper root from long ago. If people have underlying anger at
someone else earlier in their life, their partner may likely be the
target of displaced anger from them. Repressed emotions come out
sideways, often years later. Generally, a relationship will be more
difficult to the degree that there are past unresolved hurts, fears and
anger for either partner. When these feelings have been resolved on an
individual basis, the same relational conflicts tend not to arise and
relationships flow much more smoothly.
7)
Grant each other complete freedom, knowing that if a person feels they
have to do or not do something, resentment and unconscious resistance
can build. Always allow that partner to make their free choice, but be
very clear to yourself and your partner what it is that you prefer and
what you definitely will or won't put up with in a relationship. If
they refuse to agree or comply after analyzing and discussing it
together, then consider that you can still love that person, but you
may need to change the form of the relationship, perhaps adding more
distance to it, or becoming friends. For example, never put up with
abuse. By doing so, you actually harm yourself and your partner because
you don't allow either of you the chance to grow and learn, which is
what we are all actually doing here. If an issue arises, both you and
your partner should clearly verbalize what actions or behavior you
prefer from the other.
8)
This is the most important point: KNOW THAT YOU HAVE ALL THE SECURITY,
LOVE, SAFETY ALREADY WITHIN YOURSELF, AT YOUR CORE. You need no one
else to feel these feelings. Whatever feeling you think you need to get
from another, you already have access to much more of this feeling
within yourself. These feelings always lie hidden beneath the restless
and uncomfortable ones, and anyone can experience them, as they are the
qualities of your soul. Every great teacher or self-realized master has
taught this lesson. (Jesus: "The kingdom of God lies within you.", Lao
Tzu: "At the center of your being, you have unimagined resources.",
Yogananda: "Within you lies the sea of infinite knowledge and
inspiration.") This realization will ultimately bring relief and
happiness. When you know by experience that lasting happiness and a
feeling of security is found within yourself, a shift will occur within
you and relationships will run much smoother because you will know that
you no longer need something from another, although you may prefer
something from them. This subtle shift makes a huge difference because
no longer are you dependent on someone or something beyond your control
for a sense of well being. However, it is far better to experience
these core positive feelings through any number of ways such as
meditation, than it is to understand it as an intellectual concept.**
9)
Expect challenges in any relationship, for they are supposed to happen,
as life is set up and designed that way in order for us to grow as
people and souls. If this is the first time you have heard this
concept, it is not necessary to believe it, but simply become aware of
your feelings and thoughts and keep open the possibility that you are
here for a reason. We unconsciously attract to us someone that will
bring to the surface our own challenge, weakness or one of our lessons
in life. If you avoid it, you'll discover the same sort of
uncomfortable feeling and challenge arising repeatedly, perhaps from
another person or place in your life. Facing conflicts with honest,
clear communication and avoiding emotional or physical abuse is one
sign of growth. If you have an ongoing conflict, observe what
uncomfortable feeling arises within yourself. Any relationship
conflict, no matter how much it seems your partner is at fault, has to
do with a personal challenge within yourself, and also within your
partner. It is an opportunity for growth for all involved, as any
conflict is. It's a chance to move through the issue as your soul-self,
rather than falling into the usual habit of using the human ego to
solve problems, which is steeped in feelings of fear or a lack of
something. When we move through a conflict from the perspective of our
soul-self, the conflict will usually disappear. If you can view
conflicts from this perspective, it will be nearly resolved. The
following visualization may help:
Close
your eyes, take several long, deep breaths into your abdomen. Imagine
yourself to float out of your body and, in your mind's eye, find
yourself peacefully looking down at the top of your head. Then imagine
that suddenly all cares and concerns of this earth life begin to slowly
fade away completely as you feel yourself being drawn into a vortex
that leads to a stronger energy vibration of peace, joy, love and light
than you can imagine. You realize, with surprisingly little concern,
that your life, like a dream, is now over and you have awaken into the
bliss of your true soul-self, a wonderful state of complete contentment
that begins to grow more familiar with each passing moment. You realize
that you are really a soul that needs and wants nothing because you are
a part of an ever-expanding energy of love and peace. Surrounded and
saturated in the bliss of this familiar environment, your consciousness
expands as you begin to see a review of your past life, which you can
fast forward, rewind and freeze, all for the purpose of learning from
this past dream-life. Fast forward to the moments of challenge and
conflict. Given that it was all just a dream test, what do you wish you
had done in these circumstances that would be a reflection of your
soul-self? What do you wish you had communicated? How can your soul be
reflected through your actions in any of these conflicts? What is the
challenge or lesson for you to learn from as a soul in each conflict?
What would Unconditional Love do in each circumstance? What would be
the result if you acted from this state of Love, Peace, Joy and
Security in any given circumstance? Vividly imagine the outcome,
knowing that whatever happens, everything turns out fine in the end.
You begin to gain a growing insight that whatever happens on earth
doesn't matter, only our reaction matters to any given person or
circumstance. From this perspective, imagine yourself coming back down
to your earth life and applying this state of mind to any present
challenge or conflict.
*
There are many ways to release, transform and heal thoughts and
feelings from the past that adversely affect your present. Visit the
website emofree.com; or read the short book The Journey by Brandon
Bays; or visit a transpersonal or regression hypnotherapist that knows
how to do this.
**
There are numerous ways to experience the wellspring of peace within
yourself which lies beneath the restlessness. Most methods involve some
form of meditation. The book, The Journey, by Brandon Bays outlines a
process to experience it.
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