The Blessing of Conscious and Unconscious Relationships
One of my favorite teachers of spiritual awakening is local sage Leonard Jacobson. He has a way of eloquently articulating wisdom and Truth that has greatly benefited me and so many others. He recently wrote a short article called The Blessing of Conscious and Unconscious Relationships. It so succinctly and accurately explains the dynamics in relationships that I wanted to share it with everyone here. Please enjoy Leonard’s life-changing wisdom!
The Blessing of Conscious and Unconscious Relationships
“There are two kinds of relationship. The first is a dysfunctional and unconscious relationship, based in the past and future. The second is a conscious relationship based in the present moment.
When a relationship is based in the past, we are looking to our partner to fulfill needs that were not met in childhood by our parents. Our mother and father were not present for us in the way we needed them to be.
As a result, we did not feel loved and accepted in a way that made us feel safe, and so to varying degrees, we developed limiting beliefs that now affect every aspect of our lives and our relationships.
These beliefs include: I am not loved, I am not good enough, I am not accepted, there is no one here for me, I am unworthy, I am alone, I am abandoned, I have to repress my feelings, I don’t count, I can’t ask for what I want, I have to please others, just to name a few.
These beliefs are associated with very painful feelings that we learn to repress. We then embark upon a journey to find someone who will be here for us and who will meet that unfilled need to be loved, accepted and acknowledged.
The problem is that life manifests as a reflection of our inner world, so that we attract people into our lives who match those limiting beliefs.
We attract people into our lives who are not loving or accepting, and so the pain of living in a world where no one is truly present with us continues. If we attract a partner who is loving and accepting, we cannot really feel it or allow it in, because it contradicts our deeper beliefs.
In an unconscious relationship, our repressed emotions are constantly being triggered, and we project the blame onto our partner, when what is really happening is that our partner is simply triggering feelings repressed within us from our past.
In an unconscious relationship, we are lost in our story and we are trying to get our partner to enter our story to make it better.
Some typical issues that arise in an unconscious relationship are blame, guilt, expectation and resentment. In an unconscious relationship, control patterns and judgment are often a source of conflict.
An unconscious relationship is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact I recommend it! It gives us the opportunity to look into the mirror that is the relationship, and bring consciousness to all the unconscious aspects of ourselves, all the unhealed emotional wounds and all those limiting beliefs still with us from childhood.
This kind of relationship gives us the opportunity to witness certain aspects of our personality, which we would prefer to ignore, deny or project onto our partner. It gives us the opportunity to be observant of our control patterns and judgments.
How present are you with your partner? How do you express love? Are you generous, grateful, compassionate and supportive? Are you judgmental and controlling?
Are you filled with expectations that you do not clearly express, and when those expectations are not met, do you become resentful? When you are hurt, do you become angry or do you withdraw? How do you express your anger? Are you abusive? Are you a victim?
These are just some of the issues and questions that must be addressed and brought to consciousness if you want to move from a dysfunctional relationship to a conscious relationship.
In a conscious relationship, we are fundamentally present.
We have been through a process of healing the past. We have released ourselves from those limiting beliefs from childhood and we have emptied those reservoirs of emotions that were repressed within us.
We have embraced responsibility for ourselves at every level. We feel whole and complete within ourselves and we do not need our partner to complete us or make us feel safe and secure.
We no longer need our partner to be here for us, but rather we want our partner to be here with us.
Just to change one simple word from ‘for’ to ‘with’ radically transforms the relationship. In a conscious relationship, both parties are empowered from within and are not seeking to have power or control over the other. In a conscious relationship, communication is clear and direct and honest.
A conscious relationship does not have to be perfect. It is OK to make mistakes as long as both parties to the relationship are willing to take responsibility for whatever is arising within them. In fact, it is in making mistakes or lapsing into unconsciousness that affords us with the opportunity for greater consciousness, provided we are willing and able to look into the mirror that is the relationship and to own, acknowledge and confess any unconscious aspect of ourselves we see reflected there.
At the deepest level, the real gift we bring to each other is the gift of Presence.
When you are present you are, by your very nature, loving, accepting, compassionate, generous, grateful and allowing. When you are present, you are without judgment. The more that Presence is the foundation of your relationship, the more fulfilling, joyful and uncomplicated it will be.
In a conscious relationship, we relate to each other in the moment and do not seek comfort from the idea that someone will be there to make us feel safe in one year or five years or for a lifetime. In truth there is only NOW! When we come to terms with that simple truth, it will open us into a life of freedom, truth and love.
A conscious relationship is a great blessing. It provides you with a companion with whom you can share a loving life. An unconscious relationship is also a great blessing. It provides you with a remarkable opportunity to wake up out of your unconsciousness.”